What began as a diary of sorts to help me cope with Multiple Sclerosis, has turned into a book of portraits I have painted that, more often than not, have very little to do with MS. This is for the artists who taught me the most beautiful things come from pain, and my sister, Stacey, who also has MS...
Multiple Sclerosis - What is the meaning? What's the one thing the universe needs me to do before I go?
Newly out of the hospital, enduring #steroid #withdrawals I've had the biggest #multiplesclerosis epiphany ever. The last ten years have been so heavy. God they have been so dramatic! Rightfully so! #Quadriplegia is a heavy prognosis.
I was rushing to PROVE so many things. That book was to prove to my children that I was sick, that I noticed them. I wrote like a champion.Two years of such hard work. Made dreams come true. But I never shook this fear of quadriplegia - it was still there. My body would fail in different way, which to me, was a sign it was coming soon.
Fast forward to the hospital this week, I believed I was never going to come home again. I'm happy for that. It taught me so much. It probably even saved me! People showed up for me. They really cared that I lived on this earth with them. The boy I liked in 6th grade sent me flowers! He remembered my name? How sweet! So many people showed for me. Way more than I feel worthy of, but I was so grateful. It's never the ones you think, by blood will show, but I have learned a long time ago - I am not entitled to that. I am entitled to NOTHING. Love still showed in any shape it could. I gave thanks to God.
When I thought I was not going to wake up and this was it, it was HEAVY, but still very full of gratitude - we found that the RIGHT side of my brain was lighting out. Not my pesky brain stem. I would come home again. And all the love came home with me. I got a preview and it really has changed the trajectory of my life. Steroids and all, I just feel so in love. Such gratitude. So this was my blog the day after returning.
Typing is getting harder, so I save for work. I'm assuming that is why I keep logging so much these days? I see a lot - terminal videos on Youtube and I see a common theme- fear, I implore you, if you have some looming clock counting gown...stop counting. Just be, In every moment. We are all wind and dust and sun and eyelashes on our cheeks and the wishes that sweep them away. Wishes in the wind. We are our children. The love we leave behind. Get that clock OUT of your head, and just love. And that list of the people that hurt you, the people who "slept" while others hurt you, even that doesn't seem to matter at the end. I remember just saying 'thank you' and then I remember waking up! Feeling grateful. Be THAT. When you go, it's none of our business until then when that will be. It is your business to be love until then. God bless you my friends.
When you are at the end, I pray you feel me beside you in spirit. You are never alone.
PS-Who knows what the universe wants me to say - I'm busy loving my husband and children <3
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Multiple Sclerosis - What is the meaning? What's the one thing the universe needs me to do before I go?
Newly out of the hospital, enduring #steroid #withdrawals I've had the biggest #multiplesclerosis epiphany ever. The last ten years have been so heavy. God they have been so dramatic! Rightfully so! #Quadriplegia is a heavy prognosis.
I was rushing to PROVE so many things. That book was to prove to my children that I was sick, that I noticed them. I wrote like a champion.Two years of such hard work. Made dreams come true. But I never shook this fear of quadriplegia - it was still there. My body would fail in different way, which to me, was a sign it was coming soon.
Fast forward to the hospital this week, I believed I was never going to come home again. I'm happy for that. It taught me so much. It probably even saved me! People showed up for me. They really cared that I lived on this earth with them. The boy I liked in 6th grade sent me flowers! He remembered my name? How sweet! So many people showed for me. Way more than I feel worthy of, but I was so grateful. It's never the ones you think, by blood will show, but I have learned a long time ago - I am not entitled to that. I am entitled to NOTHING. Love still showed in any shape it could. I gave thanks to God.
When I thought I was not going to wake up and this was it, it was HEAVY, but still very full of gratitude - we found that the RIGHT side of my brain was lighting out. Not my pesky brain stem. I would come home again. And all the love came home with me. I got a preview and it really has changed the trajectory of my life. Steroids and all, I just feel so in love. Such gratitude. So this was my blog the day after returning.
Typing is getting harder, so I save for work. I'm assuming that is why I keep logging so much these days? I see a lot - terminal videos on Youtube and I see a common theme- fear, I implore you, if you have some looming clock counting gown...stop counting. Just be, In every moment. We are all wind and dust and sun and eyelashes on our cheeks and the wishes that sweep them away. Wishes in the wind. We are our children. The love we leave behind. Get that clock OUT of your head, and just love. And that list of the people that hurt you, the people who "slept" while others hurt you, even that doesn't seem to matter at the end. I remember just saying 'thank you' and then I remember waking up! Feeling grateful. Be THAT. When you go, it's none of our business until then when that will be. It is your business to be love until then. God bless you my friends.
When you are at the end, I pray you feel me beside you in spirit. You are never alone.
PS-Who knows what the universe wants me to say - I'm busy loving my husband and children <3
