My namesake. US.
A million stories whispered, secrets laid bare, and dances at dusk.
My namesake is US.
That is where I come from.
Hence, I honor you.
As best friends do. In many ways we felt forsaken, abandoned, as orphans do. In hindsight, we were spoiled, we just never knew. Oh wow, how I tethered myself to you, and the music.
The rest of me, in regards to engaging the rest of the world, withdrew. I'd dye my hair crazy colors, pierce weird things, like a scream, "I don't want want to be anything like you, just him." You were enough then. You are enough now, my friend.
You are boundless electricity, energy. You will always be.
We rushed the stage, the band. Their last show, the end. Everyone is adultin' and aging. But we never ended, buddy. So many more stages. The creativity. The loyalty, you're stuck with me. Like dust or lint, sitting on the windowsill. I'm with you as you stare out, wondering what all of this adds up to. I'm beside you. Slightly. Still.
Just as much as you need me. I will let you grow. As you allowed me.
You accompanied me down an aisle, to my husband. You must have felt widowed in a way. Afraid in some way that you'd lose me. But you were brave. You let me smile fourteen years ago today. We got drunk and we danced like we did on the stage, that night. Bass darting through our hearts at the speed of life. And you smiled. I saw you. Every now and then, my friend, I catch you. You let yourself stop thinking and the waves in your head crash, presenting in a smile, tsunami over you, in the coldest, purest way.
And you, you just ride the waves...
You revere the sea. You say since the beginning of time, it has been here. How many whale's kidney's have processed this ... water? I giggle, watching my daughter test "brave" with each wave. Knowing, you. You are the sea. You've always been. You've always stayed. You shaped me in ways and waves no else could. Not then.
Your mind, all the books in the world could never satiate.
God how you loved books. Building them into walls, surrounding your bed. We'd pass out listening to this song, with titles in our head. I'd read and read...til sleep. All those titles made me feel so small. Until one day they dared me, "Woman the fuck up, stand tall," and made me a writer.
You made me man. In so many ways, you made me because you stuck around. You were so brave.
I write about it all. And our love will never be understood, not that it should be, it's that unique. Complete. Absolute. And yet this mystery. Like faith. Some things, the most spiritual, sacred contemplations, are not meant to be seen. The is how I see US. Except, those teen sneak previews at dusk. We'd come out, dancing.
Titles and crickets and walls lined with books. The smartest boy I've ever known. How you looked into me. It showed your heart. It showed your mind. I love you completely. Even when you make me mad. Even though you are not "mine". Unconditionally. Which is rather rare - we never really knew unconditional love. We were born ashamed of something, some "untitled" bad, that had nothing to do with us. Mistakes our parents made that condensed into residue after nine-months. Were we unwanted? Were we their offspring their children, or just dust?
We didn't know. But we stuck together. And you never left me. Not even in the hurricane, when we parked the beat up, green car on the hill. Instead we laughed and danced, knowing it was a moment we'd never again get to feel. We literally weathered everything.
Let it rain, bring the pain, we'll love anyway. We'll stay, smiling.
We were an US. Still are.
Even separated and struggling. Emotionally together. All these years and you'd never leave. You were my soldier. You let me just be. And loved me that way. On and off the stage. Music or silence. Cradling the violence. Drugs and boys. All kinds of noise. There is a darkness in all of us. BUT, you loved me. Beautiful boy. You still love me. And, well I'm not looking back. Never will. My love is eternal, it can't be taken back. It is boundless, it always was...where the fuck would it go even if I tried? It will never die.
And I was right, I had no family. But amen, you did. You fought, You win. I sin. I have my friends and him, ours.
We rushed the stage during their last show. Your sweat surrounded you like a halo. I can still see your smile. Miles and miles from where we are today. It always calls me back, "Stay. Stay."
So, I go back to that day. Of velocitygrl and their last show.
We're jumping. Center stage. Happy little us. Questioning everything we couldn't know, except the beat. In some ways, we are still rushing the stage. Music knows no age. Nor does love and orphans saturated with loyalty. I am forever a servant at your feet. Happily. I pray you know that when you worry you don't me, or anything for that matter, anymore.
Here is my home. Here's the key. You have all of me and my family.
She's singing beside us. The bar, since, has closed down. Twenty years later. We're still bopping along. You're still my favorite skater. She's still our favorite sound. My namesake you say until this day. I giggle and look away. I whisper, "US." We were never dust my love, we were US. Enough. And loved beyond dimension. Beyond every contention. We stayed. Family.
We won. We proved it could be done.
It's not our last show. Not yet. I'm still dancing, everywhere you go. My legs, diseased and slow. I still dance beside you, wherever you go. I made a promise to you. As you did me. It's not what US do. My namesake. Velocity. Everything going by so fast beside us, but I'm still slo-dancing with you, in my forties, at dusk.
In case no one ever told you...you are loved, just as you are, and far more than "enough"...
I'm on my last leg
Running when I
Can barely walk
And when you said I couldn't see
You told everything but the truth
Could it be all that bad
To forget about my favorite thing
I know you
You know all I want to do
Is live my life
And forget about you...
Rob, I didn't know how to really LIVE, before you. Eternal gratitude for you. This, this is what you do. Inspire people to try.
