You ever have that feeling, where a nagging tooth and some honest x-rays tell you that you need a root canal? It’s icky, but you know it’s finite. In the past week I’ve been experiencing something a little worse – I never thought that could be worse.
Severe pain in my head, right near where my ear begins, but it goes deep into the flesh and folds inside my head. It hurts like a mothah'. I’m home with children. I’m trying to stay sane. I’m trying to get my work done and pretend like it’s not that big of a deal.
Secretly, I keep crying at random. I find myself weeping, moving on. Weeping. Moving on. Repeat.
You know me. I'm cool with a good cry. BUT, I don't want to let pain change who I am at the core. I don't want it to change me. If my children will ever know who I truly was, I can't let pain change me.
I was rubbing my face as I took my orange blossom impatiens (flowers) to the front of the house and realized I did get that one bud, and I did get that to bloom! It was miraculous! As much as I try to nurse and grow, we all know, I'm pretty dag challenged at it. But not this time snitches. Boo-yah. The bud, bloomed!
It took my mind of it for a good three minutes. Even my husband hi-fived me.
It’s amazing how nursing flowers back to health can give me such joy!
Back to reality - everything has been leading me to this – I have a Temporomandibular Joint Disorder. The joint is arthritic, everything is inflamed.
I kind of thought TMD (it's actually not called TMJ, who would of thunk?) just meant your jaw would click when you opened and closed. Gosh I wish that were right.
And gosh frick -it, the whiny part of myself thought, "Of course I get this as well..." Don't think that way. We all have something. That tpe of logic helps nothing.
It’s a pain I can locate to a distinct place in front of the ear lobe and in my mouth. I was constantly massaging it. My husband suggested I was making it worse. “Stop doing that mama!” It almost feel likes a knot, the kind that I have in my back and beg my husband to stick his elbow and mash it apart. I guess that’s not the way.
But I have to say this – holy cow I’m cranky. Holy cow it hurts like you wouldn’t believe. Holy cow, how will I live the rest of my life in such pain? It’s unfathomable.
It’s bringing me down. It’s this fear that follows me and asks, “What are you going to do if this never stops…?”
And I bring it back to this. “Hold up. I’m not there yet. I’m here. Right now, I just have to get through this one day. And I have to remember how blessed I am to have the people I have, WITH me.”
My husband sees. He feels when something is up. He sits next to me and doesn’t say a word, unless I ask him a question and he knows the RIGHT words. I'm not alone. And when he's gone...I am still not alone.
Please, allow yourself time to feel and weep and grieve, but also allow yourself time to be blessed. Find those things in your life that none of us are entitled to, but HAVE, and celebrate them.
Pain will inevitably change us. It will scar us, make us stronger. It doesn't have to change how we react to kindness. It doesn't have to dictate our dickiness. We can be cool and be in pain. And remember, you don't have to do anything or feel anything for the rest of your life.
You just have to get through today. Tomorrow isn't even real.
*Zoe Bowie took these pics as T helped me breathe through it and got me centered and ready to go forward with my day.