Worst three days of my life. I'm pretty sure we all say that when we get through a new painful phase. Pretty sure I have said that before lol. Every time is "the worst time ever" lol. But I upped. Shower. Put on a shirt and pants and tended to my husband's cyclo-cross injuries.
Training means coming home with all kinds of protruding things (bones perhaps) and road rash and blood and MUD. All of that with hours of relentless training. His dedication is sexy almost. So I lie with him now and it is my turn to get him through. The bruised bone worries me. It looks huge. Bigger than pictures can convey.
Our marriage has always survived that way. We take turns at the helm. Our own peloton. Our kids wear the yellow jerseys. We've done well and feel blessed when it is our turn. Always abiding by the unwritten rules of respect.
His body is so strong. I'm so tiny next to me. He can lift me like he lifts AJ. He's diesel and dedicated and he takes the bumps and bruises as par for the course. As do I with the MS. I'm just a smidge different. I cry sometimes lol. Totally AUTHENTIC and natural and don't let people act like because you are HONEST you are crazy or high.
To be your authentic self, you must feel the pay and feel the gratitude when it goes. Nothing ever got better by looking away.
I'm not like that with social justice causes, and I not like that with my disease. My goal inthis life is to be my authentic self, through the good and bad. The pain and the bliss. I pray constantly that tools such as faith and love will always be what I relay on to get through. To find my authentic self, is to find peace.
It's typically the uncomfies that are not used to painting such pictures - only feigning perfect marriages and job choices (I always wanted to do this...? You sure about that?) not being able to pay the mortgage, being happy all the time, understanding everything. You can't possibly and you shouldn't have the impossible job of perfection and purity. You never made a mistake? You've never lied or gossiped, lusted or cheated? I can't imagine how it must feel to always feel the pressure to pretend. My heart is with you. Truly. This is not to chastise or criticize. It is something we were born being groomed into pretending. I was a bad ass at birth.
Just think twice before you are quick to point at me and label me because of how I handle bouts of what feels like insurmountable pain. For those of you going through - it is finite. Hold on. THAT is why I share.
There's a huge difference between insisting on becoming your authentic self during this life and being depressed. I've been Through extreme bouts of depression. Therapists. I know the signals. My support system knows. My husband laughed at the "depression" message this morning. Just remember, if I release one post, about one angle - it is just that. One very small angle that I feel is important for someone with chronic illness, degenerative illness.Before that nuclear level of whatever took over - it was Pier and Jen and PA and horses and photography and swimming and French dessert. That was ME right before the pain took over. I'm just not in that place. I find light and beauty everywhere and I want to soak it in. I am fully a believer in that theory about dying, as we lived. So I shall love and soak it up. But when the pain comes, I must show you how I handled it.
What if my kids read this and inherit this illness? This is meant to be a "how to" not a depressing essay. And babies, it's okay. Feel and get up and go again. You will.
This is gonna sound harsh, but I will say it. People don't want to get this at a young age - they want to pretend they are immortal. This is the truth - it is really hard to die. I never thought I'd have to go here, but it's even harder to know there's a 50/50 I will be stuck in my body WITH the pain. Not even allowed to pass onto my Father. It's the hardest thing to think about.
I will not ignore that reality. Some of us go easy. Some of us, we die hard. We have to "wriggle out of this body to get to the next life" as one hospice nurse explained. Typically younger people struggle with that.
AND, more importantly, we tend to die as we live. Remember that. Only in the the last week, you are you times ten! If you lived funny, you die funny. If you lived manipulatively, you will manipulate until your last breath. So I focus on the beauty, I focus on the love.I try my hardest to walk with Christ and give.
I love so hard and yet easily. This will be magnified in my last hours. I like this thought. It brings me peace. Scares my husband to bits lol. But it's the truth. AND, I'm being authentic.
I don't live there, in those scary thoughts about last words etc. PS - I don't want an open casket. I'm afraid someone from the Golden Girls set will do my make-up. And yet part of me if like, "Meh, surprise me. Let people get real close." Anyone who knows me knows how hard it is to let anyone close to my face. I look down and get itchy and squirm.
Except for Tony. He's earned every privilege to look at me close up, lights on, no make up. He truly loves something that was planted in me long before birth that has little to do with my physical attributes. I like that. That's a man. Once a friend compared me a colleagues and said, "Wow, you've aged so much better in the last ten years." For the first time, I felt like I didn't know my friend. He felt like he was less than a man to me and eww. But Tony, always ... this strength that no one can outdo.
I digress - authentic and depression.
Very big difference my friends. So I beg you to feel, to acknowledge and cope in productive ways. Reach out. Paint. I don't care if you've never painted a day in your life. Write and be honest. People may make fun (that's on them, I could give a fuck)...BUT you, your courage to share at the expensive of being ridiculed may save a life. That's pretty cool.
That's why I am here.
If I turned away from Jesus on the Cross I would never have held or known my faith in the deep way I strive to, everyday and carry that into how I treat humanity. I will not ignore sadness and pain. Because of looking at him, I look at my neighbors everywhere, of all religions and fight for their rights. I know how to proceed with the sadness after I look. I'm no weenie. I'm stronger than you think. .
So we are still going. I didn't wear a bra today and I'm pretty sure I didn't button the back of my shirt. But I made my bed, like I told my dad I would always do. He insists it will help for a positive outlook. Keep me positive. Once I was in the hospital, and all I had was that bed. Making my bed everyday got me through. It sounds crazy, but try it if that is where you are at in the course of your life. Speak. Don't isolate and if you cannot manage life, cannot get out of bed and try - call for help. You can text or call here if you feel like you can't hold on any longer.
Help works. Therapy works. Trust me. And it's okay to struggle with depression. I have. Reports say that from 50% to as high as 80% of people living with chronic illness live with some type of depression; whether it be clinical, organic, or situational. No shame my loves. No shame.
So many responses to my post from yesterday about me being depressed, but I assure you, I was playing basketball before this started. The days before, swimming in the country with friends and out kids, eating French desserts. This is not depression. It's a battle, a bout, of pain to push through. Writing that was not a plea for help to send me away, it's me being authentic. It is taking something ugly and making it beautiful. That is a lovely way to cope.
But you call it what you want. It is none of my business. My only prayer is that as human beings you please, take the time to know the difference between living an authentic life, one that must acknowledge pain as much as it does joy, and being in a state of clinical depression.
I pray someday you will be authentically you. It's okay to struggle when the pain hits. But know...I got up today. I didn't put a bra on, but I showered and dressed and took care of someone else. I didn't/don't live in my pain as it begins to grow again. That's not depression my friends. If I need to gnash my teeth and yell FUCK at some point, I will. So what? It helps. A little lol.
So, today I love and take care of my biggest boy. There are no words for the joy I get in loving him and taking care of him - even when he is muddy and a bloody mess. I take joy in knowing that he can pursue his physical joy and I'm in, all the way, with him. So I dress his wounds and ice and comfort, as he does me every time the pain dials up that 1-10 chart they give you when they ask where it falls on the pain chart :) Just...I need you to know it's okay to feel pain. Necessary. It just can't make your life unmanageable. Are you showering? Taking care of chores? Things like this you must be honest about as well. How long have you felt sad or indifferent?
But I mean if it's three days of hell and pain and you;re expressing and coping, then cyber chest bumps to you my friends. God bless you my friend and I pray you are an authentic moe foe with an indomitable spirit and that you still feel and don't apologize for it. There's no need. God bless you always and I pray you have something like Tony to walk through this with.
But the the other came home like this. Blessed to be his caretaker <3