I cannot. I will.

Today is one of those days ‘it’ hits me.  I can’t ignore the lesions. I cannot will it away.

My legs disintegrate into quick sand on the hard wood floor. They struggle and wobble, searching for their rightful place. Days like this, they simply don’t belong. Anywhere.

I will them forward toward my son; his Star Wars hand-me-down shirt in hand. I WILL get his shirt on, even if it kills me. Days like this every small ‘thing’ is a mountain. I have climbed about 20 so far today and it’s only 10 AM.

I tell myself, “Just focus on this mountain in front of you, don’t look to see how many are hiding behind this one; take it one mountain at a time.”

I wonder if I would have any will, had I not had children. Having Multiple Sclerosis and the threat of paralysis hanging over my head doesn’t really inspire me much. Big things like that used to piss me off in a self-destructive way. I would simply get pissed and quit.

BUT, when you have children, especially small children, you have no choice but to go forward, with or without the use of your legs. It’s automatic. It’s reflex. If I had to shuffle on my stomach liked a beached whale, arms like paddles, I would.

Thank God for them, and for the infusion scheduled for  tomorrow.

Comments

[Stacy]

Hope you feel better. YOu ROCK doing it all for your kids.

[Anita]

Such a great point, Jamie...We do what we do because we must for our children. We move along for them, bumps and all. And some days the 'bumps' are mountains. Your will is inspiring.

[Jamie]

Thank you both...yeah, it's weird because people will say things like, "How do u do it?" or they call you 'brave'...lol, it isn't a choice. I have to do it, and I'm so not brave. brave would mean taking it on, having the choice...for someone else.

[Jess]

Jamie, remember "couch parenting" can be OK some days too because love is love xoxo

[Kristin Cifelli]

Wow. Just read this post now, and had no idea you were feeling this icky today, even when I talked to you earlier. I hope tomorrow is a better day, JJ. Llike it or not, you inspire me. Love you!

[Jamie]

I think it reads a lot more dramatic than I am presenting in real life lol. It was totally an 'oh shit, what if I feel like this for the rest of my life?' But I just kept going forward and that 'oh shit voice' fades. Today is my infusion...thank God :)

[Jamie]

That's so true Jess...I need to read that again!